Rocking in Hakata

Thank you, Gwyneth Paltrow, for reminding me to post this. This post, in short, is just to say that I do take some offense at the stupid American stereotype that’s floating around out there. I was reminded very early on in my new stint here in Japan that some people really don’t view Americans as normal people. I was having lunch with some new (foreign, not Japanese) JETs, and during introductions, nationalities naturally came up – both for the sake of information and to explain our various accents. After I said that I was from America, I was a bit ruffled by my friend’s response. They said, quite seriously, “Well, you must be one of the good ones, since you’re not there anymore. You’re out in the world so you’re not as dumb as the rest.” I kid you not. I found that entirely repulsive – as I think anyone should when they’ve been insulted. I should mention, by the way, that this is not common among JETs that I have met. Most of them are charming people, and I really value the friendships I’m weaving here, so don’t think of me as some persecuted guy.

His comments just made me reflect on our status in the world. Now, to make sure that you take my meaning, I am NOT speaking in political terms here. Remove politics from the argument. What you have left is the really sad touristy, evil capitalist, self-assured moron stereotype. I think. Dunno. I cracked up at a little back and forth I found on the net dealing with Apple’s mom’s palate, and what sensations America and Britain conjure as they play upon it. The news story has already been recanted, and attributed to translation / linguistic error, by the way. Some say there’s a pattern in Paltrow’s past statements. I don’t care enough to look into it. Anyway, one reader got mad about the response the site had to the news story. “This post is probably the most petulant thing I’ve ever read [here]. Set aside the fame and the easy targets on the backs of the principals in that story and consider for a moment whether Paltrow might be right.” Well, I don’t think she was right, but I also think that the question is slightly absurd.

What thrilled me was the response from Jonah Goldberg, who came back with this: “ ERRRRRR. No sale. I am an enormous anglophile. And I actually kind of like Paltrow. But this email is ludicrous. What on earth makes anybody think that Paltrow’s `America` is anything like the real thing? She grew up in the belly of the Hollywood beast. And now that she’s getting away from Hollywood (oh so far away; Madonna is her neighbor in a tony area of London where she lives with a member of a rock band) she’s fitting in by [dumping] on her native country in a perfectly fashionable way. Indeed, she doesn’t even live in England. She lives amongst a global cultural elite of cosmopolitan flibbertygibbets who think they’re the only people in the world who deserve to be outrageously wealthy. Maybe if she didn’t like the conversation in America, it had to do with the people she chose to have dinner with rather than the country in which she chose to have it.”

Ha ha. I don’t know Gwyneth Paltrow, so I’ll stay out of the conversation. Besides, I don’t know if I’d find a dinner conversation with her entertaining at all. And chances are if I didn’t, she’d find me rather boring too. So, again, the point is moot.

But back to dumb Americans. Are there dumb people in America? Oh, heavens, yes. Loads of them. You can buy them by the truckload, I think. Are there smart Americans? Um….why, yes, there are. I know a few, and aspire to become one. So, in short, is all hope for America lost? Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin. (And for those of you who like to split hairs, I gave myself an F- shaving ability on the front page of this site, which tells you I am sure – you know I am if I’m wagering the sad mess on my chin.) Geeze, three bad jokes in a row. That’s a blog foul. Sorry.

People laugh because many Americans can’t point to countries where we’ve had military campaigns, and are ignorant of major landmarks. I’d just like to point out that the BBC recently reported that British school kids can’t always locate the U.K. on a map of the world…. And let me tell you, Japan fares no better on the random geography quiz. Ask questions like what 2 countries border America and you get answers like Russia, Germany, and Australia. I love when Australia borders somewhere. They’d be shocked, really. Speaking of Australia – I think they are the most honest when it comes to geography and world awareness. How? They came up with the World Map from Down Under. You can see some examples here. Everyone knows most about where they were born and raised, and it is, in effect, the center of their mental map. I know that South Carolina makes the shape of a triangle, but maybe I don’t know where Micronesia or Monaco are. (I do, but they just came to mind. Sorry.) No biggie. My world will forever be warped by growing up in SC. To me, New York will always seem to be to the North, even if I’m in New York (a weird feeling). California will always be to the west, despite the fact that it lies east of me at present. It’s kind of relative, you know? Seems to me that we could all brush up on our geography. (Doesn’t mean I’m willing to be slaughtered playing the capitals game with you people. I’m so ashamed…)

Anyhoo, just to prove that I’m a good sport, here’s a really great list of people I really do wish would figure things out before they go to other countries and perpetuate the stereotypes. Nicely done.

Deas Customary Drivel

Quick bits about my school at Hakata.
1) My school, pictured above, is very close to the ocean. Yes. That is the ocean in the picture. The baseball field is effectively a peninsula. Truth be told, my school has a moat. Does your school have a moat? My point is, if ever there was an all Japan schoolkid skirmish, my kids would totally win, because they have a moat. Forces a bottleneck point at the cement drawbridge (we just need to make that sucker retractable), so the child stormtroopers from the mainland would be easy picking. Wow. I am sick. Someone stop my daydreams. Ha ha ha. (It’s a joke, people. Sheesh.)

2) My school has regular visitors of the non-school associated type. For instance, there is the man who has cleaned my glasses 6 times this year. I don’t know his name. He doesn’t know mine. But darn it, he knows I will accept his offer to clean my glasses without fail. I finally asked. Turns out he’s a salesman. Is that normal? Do salesmen have access to schools while they’re in session in your country? Since I realized what the nefarious glasses man was up to, I have been watching for other signs of infiltration…next time I see him coming, I’ll pull that drawbridge in and drop him in the moat. Salt water can be a booger to clean off of glasses. (Not an actual booger, but that would be gross too.)

3) We have eagle type birds at my school. I love them. I think they are kites, actually. The other teachers think I am slow in the head or something, because I run to the window to watch them wheel and dive in the sky. I can’t get enough. They’re beautiful, and they make shrieks just like they do in nature films! (They do, however, lead me to think that flying contraptions have no problem sorting out the crossing of a moat, with or without plausibly retractable cement drawbridge.) I saw one today fly into the moat and grab a fish. Trouble was, it wasn’t a fish. The bird was sad. That made me sad too, just a little.

4) My school has 2 nearby banks of vending machines. One is by the “Culture Shop,” which I honestly mistook for an adult bookstore the first time I saw it. Turns out it is a convenience store that sells magazines of the non-sketchy variety, and overpriced yumminess. I go there to buy Yubari Melon Milk in summer and Mild Cocoa, Kilimanjaro Roast, or American Coffee in the winter. Then there are the far vending machines, by the store. I don’t go there, cause if I’m at the store, I’ll go in and buy something, and that has got to stop. They should put a retractable cement drawbridge in to stop me from needlessly spending cash on junk in that store, and then I’ll go to the vending machines there – provided I can cross their moat to get to them. Anyway, the sick part is this – at the near vending machines, there is one designed to look like you’re playing a casino game. Thing is, you never win. It has 4 spaces designed to look like slots. Upon making a purchase, the numbers roll away. You inevitably get 3 in a row, and the last one is always 1 value too high. 1112, 2223, 3334, etc. What’s bad about this? Well, true, it’s harmless, and I don’t feel cheated since I intend to exchange a set amount of money for a particular drink when I hit a vending machine. What’s bad is that it tells me I’m stupid. You see, despite knowing that it’s a gimmick, I stand there and feel compelled to watch the last number each time I buy something. I feel like it’s mocking me. I’ll mock it when the child mainland stormtroopers come and I lock the gambling vending machine on the far side of the retractable cement drawbridge that spans across the moat. (Did I mention that we have a moat?)

5) Random anecdote. Walking back from buying lunch at shopping center, I passed a lady and her kid as I hurried by the yakisoba lady’s stand (feeling guilty, now that we’re friends and I didn’t buy lunch from her). The lady’s kid screams “KONNICHIWA!” at the yakisoba lady. She replies, “Aw, hello little baby!” (I am bemused – this is a child, not a baby.) The kid responds by screaming another “KONNICHIWA!” Looked petrified. The yakisoba lady looks up at the mom and says, and I kid you not, “Your baby is soooo cute. Is it a boy or a girl?” Ha ha ha – that’s all for today folks. (On this entry.)

Deas Customary Drivel