Deep Thoughts in Japanese
One-liner jokes do not translate well. In fact, I’d say that even when they’re heard in their native language they still only get a 50 or 60% laugh return. Having said that, I’m going to try and translate a few. Why? Because it’s hard for me. And will make me giggle in the process, if nobody else. I present some of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts,” translated into Japanese. PLEASE point out any and all errors, and don’t be shy about suggesting corrections for nuance, syntax, etc. I want to make them quality quotes. I feel like this is a (questionable) cultural gift we can bestow upon Japan. 
Plus, I’m sure I can use it in a class somehow.
To quickly preface these jokes, I’ll just say that they are supposed to be “deep thoughts.” These thoughts are anything but deep, and that is where the humor is. They are meant to be absurd, and in my opinion, some are funny and some are rather lousy. Anyway, here goes nothing.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
ハンディー・ジャック様の深い考えA good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”
人を脅し有力な方法はダイナマイトの一本を点火して、脅したい人に電話をかけて、受話器の近くに燃えてる導火線を持つ。「聞こえるぞ。それはダイナマイトだ、君。」と言う。
When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.
タイムマシンに乗っている間に肘を窓から出すな。出したら、化石になってしまうから。
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
泣ける男は大きだ。泣ける大きな男に笑える男はもっと大きだ。
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
父はいつも「笑うのが一番いい薬」と信じていた。だから、家族の数人が結核にかかて死んだだろう。
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
人類をわかるために、まず「人類」という言葉を勉強した方がいい。基本的に、二つの言葉の結合だ。その二つは「じんる」と「い」だ。どういう意味だろう？それは神秘的だから、人類も神秘的なんだ。
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
子供の顔が全て言えるよね。特に口が。
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
バカな人よりお金持ちだったらいいね。
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.
どうして未知の人は金に満ちた赤ちゃんを救うために氷結した川に潜るんだ？全然分からないね。
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
私にはピエロが全然面白くない。実は、ちょっと怖いんだ。この考え方の発端は何だろう。多分、あの時のことかなと思います。私が子供の時にサーカスに行って、父がピエロに殺されたんだ。
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
木が叫べるなら、我等はまだこんなに傲慢に木を切るのを続けるの？多分まだ切るよ、いつも理由なしで叫んでいたなら。
If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
君は馬だったら、誰かが君に乗って、落ちて、もう一回乗るなら、君がすぐにその乗り手を振り落とそうとした方がいいと思う。
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
いつか何かが金切り声をあげて、部屋を飛び渡って、人の首を掴むとその人が逃げられない時に、私は笑わなければならない。だって、それは何だろうよ！
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
子供が「雨はどうして降るのかな？」と聞いたら、可愛い答えは「神様が泣いているんだよ」と。で、「どうして神様が泣くの？」と聞かれたら、他の可愛い答えは「たぶん、あなたのしたことが原因かもしれないよ。」
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.
もし二人の男性と会う。名前はハムボーンとフリッピだったら、どちらがイルカがもっとも好きと思うの？僕はフリッピと答えるかもしれない。君もそうと答えない？君もそうと答えたら、違っているぞ。ハムボーンだ。
Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.
ローリは私が「ゲロ」という言葉を使ったと怒った。だけど、本当に彼女が作った晩ご飯はそんな感じだったの。
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
子供は援助が必要だ。もし子供が質問に正しく答えたら、「いい推測だったね。」と子供に言いなさい。そしたら、子供がいいラッキーな感じを育つ。
If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
もしあなたが銀行強盗中にズボンが落ちたら、笑っても良い。人質に笑わさせてもいいと思う。だって、人生は面白いから。
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
時々私が死んだ方がいいと思う。あっ、違った。私じゃなくて、君だ。
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
我等の子供達のためにこの世界をもっと安全にすることに応諾するが、子供達の子供なら応諾しない。なぜなら、肉体関係をもつ子供達に反対するんだ。
It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
よく聞くことは毎回鐘が鳴ると天使が翼を貰うことだ。それはそうだが、あまり聞かないことを教えよう。それは、毎回ねずみ取りの音を聞くと天使に火を付けさせる。
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
誰かを批評する前に、その人の靴に履いて一マイルを歩いた方がいいんだ。そうすれば、批評する時にその人から一マイル離れてるしその人の靴も手に入る。
So…any thoughts, deep or otherwise? I’m sure there are loads of corrections to make. Feel free to chip in. For my Japanese readers, did you laugh at any of them, or were they all just very strange to you? I’m curious.
Thank you to all of you helping me correct these!
