Deep Thoughts in Japanese
One-liner jokes do not translate well. In fact, I’d say that even when they’re heard in their native language they still only get a 50 or 60% laugh return. Having said that, I’m going to try and translate a few. Why? Because it’s hard for me. And will make me giggle in the process, if nobody else. I present some of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts,” translated into Japanese. PLEASE point out any and all errors, and don’t be shy about suggesting corrections for nuance, syntax, etc. I want to make them quality quotes. I feel like this is a (questionable) cultural gift we can bestow upon Japan. 
Plus, I’m sure I can use it in a class somehow.
To quickly preface these jokes, I’ll just say that they are supposed to be “deep thoughts.” These thoughts are anything but deep, and that is where the humor is. They are meant to be absurd, and in my opinion, some are funny and some are rather lousy. Anyway, here goes nothing.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
ハンディー・ジャック様の深い考えA good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”
人を脅し有力な方法はダイナマイトの一本を点火して、脅したい人に電話をかけて、受話器の近くに燃えてる導火線を持つ。「聞こえるぞ。それはダイナマイトだ、君。」と言う。
When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.
タイムマシンに乗っている間に肘を窓から出すな。出したら、化石になってしまうから。
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
泣ける男は大きだ。泣ける大きな男に笑える男はもっと大きだ。
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
父はいつも「笑うのが一番いい薬」と信じていた。だから、家族の数人が結核にかかて死んだだろう。
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words - “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.
人類をわかるために、まず「人類」という言葉を勉強した方がいい。基本的に、二つの言葉の結合だ。その二つは「じんる」と「い」だ。どういう意味だろう？それは神秘的だから、人類も神秘的なんだ。
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
子供の顔が全て言えるよね。特に口が。
I’d rather be rich than stupid.
バカな人よりお金持ちだったらいいね。
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we’ll never know.
どうして未知の人は金に満ちた赤ちゃんを救うために氷結した川に潜るんだ？全然分からないね。
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
私にはピエロが全然面白くない。実は、ちょっと怖いんだ。この考え方の発端は何だろう。多分、あの時のことかなと思います。私が子供の時にサーカスに行って、父がピエロに殺されたんだ。
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
木が叫べるなら、我等はまだこんなに傲慢に木を切るのを続けるの？多分まだ切るよ、いつも理由なしで叫んでいたなら。
If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
君は馬だったら、誰かが君に乗って、落ちて、もう一回乗るなら、君がすぐにその乗り手を振り落とそうとした方がいいと思う。
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.
いつか何かが金切り声をあげて、部屋を飛び渡って、人の首を掴むとその人が逃げられない時に、私は笑わなければならない。だって、それは何だろうよ！
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”
子供が「雨はどうして降るのかな？」と聞いたら、可愛い答えは「神様が泣いているんだよ」と。で、「どうして神様が泣くの？」と聞かれたら、他の可愛い答えは「たぶん、あなたのしたことが原因かもしれないよ。」
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.
もし二人の男性と会う。名前はハムボーンとフリッピだったら、どちらがイルカがもっとも好きと思うの？僕はフリッピと答えるかもしれない。君もそうと答えない？君もそうと答えたら、違っているぞ。ハムボーンだ。
Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.
ローリは私が「ゲロ」という言葉を使ったと怒った。だけど、本当に彼女が作った晩ご飯はそんな感じだったの。
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
子供は援助が必要だ。もし子供が質問に正しく答えたら、「いい推測だったね。」と子供に言いなさい。そしたら、子供がいいラッキーな感じを育つ。
If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
もしあなたが銀行強盗中にズボンが落ちたら、笑っても良い。人質に笑わさせてもいいと思う。だって、人生は面白いから。
Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
時々私が死んだ方がいいと思う。あっ、違った。私じゃなくて、君だ。
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
我等の子供達のためにこの世界をもっと安全にすることに応諾するが、子供達の子供なら応諾しない。なぜなら、肉体関係をもつ子供達に反対するんだ。
It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.
よく聞くことは毎回鐘が鳴ると天使が翼を貰うことだ。それはそうだが、あまり聞かないことを教えよう。それは、毎回ねずみ取りの音を聞くと天使に火を付けさせる。
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
誰かを批評する前に、その人の靴に履いて一マイルを歩いた方がいいんだ。そうすれば、批評する時にその人から一マイル離れてるしその人の靴も手に入る。
So…any thoughts, deep or otherwise? I’m sure there are loads of corrections to make. Feel free to chip in. For my Japanese readers, did you laugh at any of them, or were they all just very strange to you? I’m curious.
Thank you to all of you helping me correct these!
on May 18th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Excellent idear. I have yet to see a Japanese person that gets my guesture-humor
I think it might be better if you set these up as koans to your listener, or wrote them out like old poetry. I hope you have had a chance to play the wario game and see how that kind of joke works.
If I may give a few suggestions; I am sure you are wise enough by now to take anything from me with a grain of salt…
I might change the dynamite-threat one’s beginning to:
人を脅しのいい方法は。。。。
also, is やん in your dialect as a substitute for じゃん, like in Saga-ben? Anyways, it sounds like you are pointing out something that should be obvious, but I think the situation calls for a だ instead.
Time machine one:
出したら may be better as 出せば (”when” vs “if” thing here).
I think the crying one may be impossible to translate, but:
男らしい男って。。。。もし恥も外聞もなく泣けば印象が大きいという物事が、その人に笑われたらの男がもっと大きいさ。
Change the laughter one to:
….死んだだろう。
I think the clown one needs a たぶん somewhere
I may “correct” (mess up) a few more soon…
on May 18th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Did you want to change the beginning of the dynamite one because you are worried that the 良い is acting as an adjective solely on the 人? Because I intended it to act on 「人を脅し方」 as a phrase. Um…Yes, やん is じゃん. ～たら form can be used to indicate timing or potential, I thought. For instance, 帰ったら電話するよ。-> “Once I get home, I’ll call.” Or アメリカだったら、アメリカンジョークは普通の冗談だけだね。 -> “If (told) in America, an ‘American joke’ is just a normal joke.” Is 出せば better? Hmmm…
For the crying one, I think the size portion of the joke translates, but not the quality of character that the twist comes from. (I imagine that Handey purposefully mistakes the quality of character for the physiognomy of the person.) Doesn’t sound very funny when you explain it like that, though. Ha ha ha ha.
The laughter one is a good call. Change made.
For the clown one, I rephrased the whole thing almost. It’s a poor translation in that I am translating the context of the joke and not what he said…where would you put the 多分 in? I think it carries without it, but some punch might be added with it. Ha ha.
Feel free to “correct” them. They need all the help they can get. And the points we discuss become valuable Japanese lessons to me, at least.
on May 18th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Yeah the yoi looked suspect to me, but I am approaching it from a non-native view. If I didn’t know the Enlish already, I would have a hard time translating, I think.
I think tabun goes before the wakarimashita, because the joke is he is not sure, but maybe it’s the whole a clown killed my dad thing.
on May 18th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
なるほどね。 I’ve added the 多分. That makes total sense, you’re right. The uncertainty is the goofy part.
on May 18th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
the joke is holding off the golden part till last, and subtly at that. I’m not sure of the best way but…
なぞなぞだな。 どうして未知の人は救うために氷結した川に潜る。金の赤ちゃんを。俺たち、一生かかっても分からないなあ。
on May 18th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Nice idea. I didn’t read through all the quotes yet - I have to catch my bus soon. But I did want to comment on the choice of words, specifically that you’re using some dialect in your quotes. I understand that this probably makes it sound more colloquial to you, but not all of Japan talks this way. By doing this you make the quotes sound inaka-poi - maybe not something you want to do? I’d recommend translating it to the standard dialect unless the original quote sounds particularly hillbilly-ish.
Just nit-picking over registers of language.
on May 18th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Jon - good point…I don’t want it to sound like hick Japanese. Ha ha ha. I guess I’ll just translate it to plain form? I hope you read the quotes and give me some feedback, man. Your Japanese is waaay better than mine.
Clay - isn’t that joke short enough that the silliness is still intact despite releasing the crucial bit of information at the beginning? Doing a bit of right dislocation never hurt anyone, I suppose, but is it funnier that way?
[UPDATE: I have revamped some of the conjugations and whatnot so that they're in standard (boring) Japanese. Let me know if it helps or hurts.]
on May 18th, 2007 at 10:52 pm
Actually, I think you should make them super polite. That would be funny.
Well, I showed a teacher both our versions of the baby thing and she simply was like, I don’t understand…
on May 18th, 2007 at 11:10 pm
okay, let me continue, this is fun; my translation of this one made me laugh at least…
“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.”
I would go with
いつか何かが金切り声をあげて、部屋を飛び渡って、人の首を掴んで、そしてその人が叫びながら抜き揺れると僕は絶対笑わずにはいられない。だってさ、この動物は何だろうよね。
I honestly may be a bit confused by Saga-ben here; I am no longer sure if the sa belongs, but it sounds right to me.
on May 18th, 2007 at 11:17 pm
oh I meant to type (we forget easily when we translate)
この動物は何のやつだろうよ
I wonder, can one put a na on the end of this sentence to have a non-feminine equivilent to よね?
on May 19th, 2007 at 12:13 am
I’m unabashedly telling you that I’m going to steal your idea outright and try my hand at some translations myself sometime soon. I’ll link to this thread when I do! I’m sorry, but it’s just too good to pass up.
on May 19th, 2007 at 12:41 am
I picked up some of them and corrected but I might have taken English in the wrong sense. Anyway…
“A good way to threaten somebody is ~”
「良い人を脅し方→良い(いい)人の脅し方」「聞こえるぞ。そりゃダイナマイトだ、君。→これが聞こえるか？ダイナマイトだぞ、おい。」
The receiver is hearing the sound of explosion and broken conection at the same time. And says, “Hello, hello. What’ s wrong? I can’t hear you anymore!”
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
I don’t understand this English at all.
“Maybe in order to understand mankind,~.”
I like it the best.
“To me, clowns aren’t funny. ~”In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
「発端が何だろうと思って→発端はなんだろう。」「多分わかりました。思い出すと、→多分、あの時のことかなと思います。」
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
「靴に入って→靴を履いて」「その人から一マイルぐらいの距離もその人の靴がある→その人から一マイル離れてるしその人の靴も手に入る」
I like this.
I am also interested in your posting yesterday very much. I wanted to comment something. However catching up with it(I mean just reading them.) is all I can do. And I don’t like it but I couldn’t understand everything because of my reading ability.
on May 19th, 2007 at 2:31 am
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”
『 泣くのは偉い男だが、それを見て笑うのはもっと偉い男だ。』 或いは、
『 泣くとは大した奴だが、そいつを見て笑うとは、もっと大した奴だ。』 確かに、
聞いてから理解するまで、時間がかかります。
on May 19th, 2007 at 2:56 am
Ma Yumi, a big man should mean a big fool. Othewise, it doesn’t make sense as a joke. Take Care
on May 19th, 2007 at 8:41 am
Alex - do it! Do it! All I can do is encourage you. I’m stoked that this is entertaining.
You can just credit me with failing at it first. 
Ha ha ha.
Mayumi and TofuUnion - the dynamite joke does not continue until the dynamite actually explodes. The caller just says “Do you hear that? It’s dynamite, baby.” The joke is that it is an awful way to threaten someone, because it will kill the person making the threat. The explosion part is left unsaid for humor.
It’s unnecessary.
The one about the big man crying is hard to explain. The first “big” means a man who is not scared of his emotions, or social judgment, or stigma that goes with crying. The author makes a mistake and things that big must mean “large” or “muscular,” so he says that if it takes a muscular man to cry, then only a more muscular man could laugh at that first man. It’s a dumb joke (like most of them).
Do you understand? “Big” has more than one meaning. (And I don’t think that “a big man” should mean a “big fool.” That is incorrect.) 俗語の意味と本当の意味を混同したから、面白いです。
この使い方もある：”You apologized? Well, that was really big of you.”
I’m glad you liked the mankind joke! It was hard for me to translate!
I am fixing the clown joke. I understand the changes you made, and they really make it more clear. Thank you! Native speakers help sooo much.
The one about criticism and walking a mile…haha - I messed up 入る and 履く. That is embarrassing. Ha ha ha. Fixed it. And your clarification of the punchline is great too! Thank you!
TofuUnion - I think that what you said is true for the English version of the joke too. There is a pause between reading the joke (or hearing it) and understanding it. That’s because this kind of joke is very strange. But, if you look above, I don’t think “big man” means “big fool.” The key word is “big.” It has more than one English meaning.
on May 19th, 2007 at 8:56 am
What if I replaced the 良い at the beginning of the dynamite joke with the word 有力な? It would retain most of the meaning, just not as transliterated as it was before…though…the phrasing is still confusing at the beginning where Clay originally pointed out.
on May 19th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
[...] Deas from RockinginHakata.com had a wonderful idea - Learning Japanese through attempted translations of Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey. I’m going to try my hand at it, too. I’ll try to post them here under the new category “日本語ユーモア”. [...]
on May 19th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Deas, I wrote “big man” means “big fool” was not quite exact. “big” sometimes could mean “foolish” was at least better. Thanks for the lecture.
As for the translation. 『 泣くとは大した奴だが、そいつを見て笑うとは、もっと大した奴だ。』 is a better one. But there should be another appropriate translation.
And I understand the first big and second bigger could alter the meaning. Or it takes some cunfusion to be a joke ?
大した could also mean 馬鹿な in Japanese. And if you translate “big” into 馬鹿な , it’s tasteless.
on May 19th, 2007 at 12:54 pm
Deas and Mayumi 『 泣くとは男らしい奴だが、それを見て笑うとは、もっと男らしい奴だ。』 is the one.
on May 19th, 2007 at 3:41 pm
TofuUnion, you’re working so hard on this! Thanks. Ha ha.
The meaning is definitely not 馬鹿. The only person who is “dumb” is the man who wrote the joke, because he misunderstands the English. I didn’t mean to sound like I was lecturing you.
I think that many people think it is 男らしくない for a man to cry. That is why when a man can overcome this idea that he is “big.” You know? I’m not sure how to translate it. It’s very hard at least. Maybe Clay is right and the meaning is lost in translation.
on May 19th, 2007 at 9:50 pm
Wow! Wow! Wow!
What a great place to study authentic English!
Thanks to you guys, I got it. In addition, I could memorize ‘It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.’ I am looking forward to saying it to a BIG man who is crying in front of ME to encourage him in the future. haha Am I messing up? Forget it. Or forget me or whatever… hahaha
TofuUnion,
This translation「泣くとは男らしい奴だが、それを見て笑うとは、もっと男らしい奴だ。」enabled me to understand the meaning. Thank you so much. こういう英文がいつかピンと来るようになるなれるのかな～？ なりたいな～！ TofuUnionさん、いいな～♪
Deas,
The differences between languages are so deep, aren’t they? I have to appreciate your blog. I perceived that it is hard and challenging to study English but it is interesting more for that. Many many thanks.
“A good way to threaten somebody is ~”
Let’s change the place to put 「有力な / 良い / うまい」!
「人を脅す 有力な/ 良い / うまい 方法 / やり方 は」
It is better, isn’t it, claytonian? Hello, claytonian.
That was a lot of fun! ありがとうございました。＼(^o^)／
on May 19th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
I really think that you should NOT say this joke to a crying man… It would not encourage him… Ha ha ha.
The translation is still not right, I’m afraid. The meaning is different. Maybe it is lost in translation. But that’s why this is so much fun! We learn a lot about each other’s language by discussing it. It’s cool.
I’ll change the dynamite threat joke suggestion. That is a good way to phrase it, Mayumi. Thanks for the idea.
on May 20th, 2007 at 1:04 am
last try
男らしくないけど、もし、例の男は泣く勇気があればその男がデカイというもののだ。でも他人がその男を見て、そして彼に笑えば他人がもっとデカイかも。
Hi Mayumi!
on May 20th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Ma Yumi, appreciate your compliment. Thus, as far as I listen to your recitation and read your comments on your website, your English pronunciation is quite clear and your writing is Okay, too. Probably you just need to indulge more in reading and listening to live English.
Well, why don’t you make an American (boy)friend ? When you are a charming lady, you are supposed to have chances. I am sure You can make a big improvement in English.
It takes の使い方ですが、日本語で 『喧嘩するにも、相手が要る』って言いますよね。 英語では It takes two to make a quarrel. と言います。 また、ゆっくりするは Take time. です。
Deas, I think 『 泣くには男らしさが必要だが、その男を見て笑うためには、もっと男らしさが必要だ。』 is a direct translation. I don’t know whether it’s funny.
on May 21st, 2007 at 9:43 am
She’s married TofuUnion. Be careful, you are sounding a little arrogant. Note I am not calling you that, I just think you should take care; not everyone wants critiques on their English and American boyfriends.
on May 21st, 2007 at 3:31 pm
Take time is completely different from the “it takes” in the joke. In the joke, “it takes” means “(something) is necessary” or “for (something) to be true, (something) is required.” 慣用表現なんですよ。この「it takes」は何か必要があるということを表す。その「take time」の「take」は貰うとう意味があります。字訳すると「時間を貰って」 ですが、意味を訳すると「ゆっくりして」ですね。で、冗談の「It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.」は「社会の目で泣くのが男らしくないから、社会の意見を無視して泣ける男は偉いと言える。しかし、その偉い泣ける男に笑われる男がもっとでかいだろう。」こうやって言うとちょっと説明し過ぎてなかなか面白くなくなるんですね。結局、最初の「big」は「しんが強い」という意味です。二つ目は「でかい」か「筋骨たくましい」という意味だと思います。違う強さです。違う大きさです。（その泣ける男と喧嘩することに怖がらない人ように考えたら、やっぱりｔ筋骨たくましい人）この冗談より冗談を作った人の間違いが面白いですよ。分かりますか？複雑です。
My Japanese isn’t good enough to properly explain. But I tried!
on May 21st, 2007 at 5:17 pm
Claytonian, it was my fault that I sounded like arrogant. Sorry Deas, I actually didn’t mean at all that Mayumi-san should make an American boy friend in terms of love affair or something. I just wanted to say it’s nice getting in touch with live English. I myself feel the need. I have no intension to meddle with someone’s affairs.
As Japan is a place most peoples have almost no practical need for English beyond testing, it’s tough for Japanese to improve English, especially in speaking and writing. (Imagine the case in vice versa.)
For young foreigners who are learning Japanese in Japan, they are supposed to master Japanese soon or later. Because they have the advantage living or working in Japan.
P.S.
Deas, “My Japanese isn’t good enough to properly explain.” is way too modest. Your explanation is great.
on May 21st, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Deas, I made one translation based on your explanation.
『泣ける男は強いけど、それを笑う男はもっと強い。』 (泣ける ＝泣くことができる)
First 強い means brave, second 強い means physically strong.
on May 21st, 2007 at 6:29 pm
Ha ha ha - it’s so hard to translate. Fun to try, though.
on May 21st, 2007 at 11:38 pm
Deas, sorry to bother you again.
I read all the jokes and translated them into Japanese. Some seems impossible to translate because of their English wordplays. I only found some of them were not that funny. Could you explain why it’s funny ?
#1 “I’d rather be rich than stupid.”
Is it funny because of “stupid”(instead of “poor”) ?
#2 “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.”
Is “that thing” a cat or some pet animal ?
#3 “It’s true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don’t tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.”
What’s so funny about “an angel gets set on fire” ? Is the man(who is telling you) just trying to scare you ?
Thank you in advance.
on May 22nd, 2007 at 8:58 am
#1: You got it. English speakers often make statements such as “I’d rather be rich than poor” to justify their decisions or actions.
#2 No one knows what the creature is! That makes it strange, and somehow funny.
#3 There is an old movie with the saying “every time a bell rings, and angel gets its wings” This one makes fun of that saying. It provides another everyday, yet not too common sound (a mousetrap snap), and makes a bad consequence. Balance of good with bad is “black humor”.
on May 22nd, 2007 at 9:00 am
replace “and angel” with “an angel”. Typo.
on May 22nd, 2007 at 10:55 am
Yeah - some are pretty obviously dumb. Some are just ridiculous statements. They’re hit-and-miss funny. I assure you that they are all hysterical at about 2 in the morning…especially after a fun night out.
on June 5th, 2007 at 7:51 am
[...] the blogger behind the site, attempts to explain some complicated humor in Japanese. (It’s not like I’ve ever tried to do that before…) What I’ve read so far (basically the posts available on the front page) is really great. And [...]
on October 4th, 2007 at 10:35 am
[...] as bizarre enough by itself. So we’ll see how it comes across, I guess. My other attempts at translating humor have been interesting, so if you missed them, take a gander. And feel free to suggest other stuff. [...]
on October 22nd, 2007 at 1:15 pm
[...] ago. Now it just feels good to get it out of my system! My favorite thing so far has been the whole Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey exercise. Humor is HARD to translate. But for some reason, I love attempting it [...]